Skip to main content

Approval

so hard
to push through
the disgust
desperate need
for approval
hate looking
at myself
in the mirror
asking myself
why
why did you let
yourself get like this
i remember
when it started
slipping out
of my grasp
the reasons
were just not there
anymore
i wanted things
so badly
but no matter
what i did
i couldn't get them
always starving
for approval
i lie here
at night
i fantasize
about illusions
of being accepted
having friends
having those
social circles again
if only i become
thin enough
when i'll have
something to
offer again
always trying
to sell myself
but i'm almost 44
everyone has
their own lives
our society
has fractured off
everyone has
their own sects
tribes
cliques
maybe i feel the loneliness
only because
i don't feel
God enough
what if
my yearning focus
was not
on human approval
but God's
what if i stopped
trying to sell myself
make people
buy into me
i'm tired
i know
what i need to do
for myself
i need to
do it
loneliness
never killed me
so maybe
i arrive at my
destination
and there's more
human approval
so what
it's still God's approval
above all
that matters
i'll only really
understand that
when i can say
so what about
the family
who abandoned
and ridiculed you
they are but a
faint and innocuous
memory
when i can say
i'm too busy with God
to worry about
what others are doing
whose plans don't
include me
when nothing
could persuade me
to give up
my life with God
not even parties
nights on the town
people constantly
around me
wanting my time
not if it
wasn't right
with God
so that must mean
that i'm right where
God wants me to be
because i'm here
with my son
reading the Bible
every night
one day we'll finish
and we won't know
just a collection
of random quotes
we'll see the
entire beautiful painting
i still fight against
these sinful thoughts
of anger
depression
jealousy
and more
but i will not give up
i'm bringing
my actions in line
so that my life
can be a testimony
to the Lord
who has the power
to reunite Carl and i
one day with Jim
i will keep fighting
for that
and keep my gaze
not on human approval
but God's

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Jimmy - 2/1/20

I dreamed of my Jimmy last night.  It was one of those dreams where it was all a mistake.  He hadn't really died.  He was at some nursing home and they were trying to find him for me.  Then in another part of the dream he was running around randomly spraying a hose.  Being that goofy Jimmy that he was.  I was hiding from him, terrified.  Then he popped up in front of me and sprayed some in my face, and I just laughed.  I hugged him hard.  Then in another part of the dream I was lying with him on the floor of the den in my grandparents' house, where sometimes I would just fall asleep in contentment.  I was leaning against my Jimmy.  I could feel myself leaning against him.  Then I woke up and saw I was leaning against the big pillow instead. Wow I love you Jimmy.  Always will.  Never was anyone like you before, nor will there ever be again.  This was not my first "it was all a mistake" dream.  I gu...
Post a Comment
Read more

Pariah

so burnt out looking to socialize i take a few sips of the libation my senses heighten i just listen to the sounds of the room frenetic chatter all around me right next to me within inches of me the drink feels like my only friend that's how i know i'm going into a dark tunnel triggering all the worst in me people jabbering on like robots not talking to let people in but to keep people out like me how different this is from the days i wandered through Demarest Hall at Rutgers vibrations all around were pulling me in urging me to make merry with them with no alcohol in sight just love proliferating.... everyone was welcome everyone was celebrated and then there was tonight the chattering all around me me just sitting there invisible i tried to reach out tried to connect tried to feel like it felt when there was no barrier just acceptance no judgment but they turned away back to the safety of their own whatever that means so i put a stop to it i put my drink on the bar i walked...
Post a Comment
Read more

"Do not pity the dead..."

My son and I had read the first three Harry Potter books together a few years ago.  I had also seen the first two movies in theaters.  2001 was a watershed year for me, containing many significant events in my life.  My then-fiancé Jim and I went to see the first Harry Potter together, five years before our son would be born.  Jim was also excited about the soon-to-be released Lord of the Rings movie - he had read the books 12 times.  He said the books were assigned for school, which he wasn't too happy about at first, but then he really got into them. After seeing the first two movies though, I shied away from the Harry Potter series.  I could tell from the parade of headlines, previews, and news snippets I caught here and there that the story was getting more complex, grim and violent, which didn't appeal to me.  In 2011 however, just before the release of the final movie, we had a membership to Universal Studio/Islands of Adventure and frequente...
Post a Comment
Read more