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Approval

so hard
to push through
the disgust
desperate need
for approval
hate looking
at myself
in the mirror
asking myself
why
why did you let
yourself get like this
i remember
when it started
slipping out
of my grasp
the reasons
were just not there
anymore
i wanted things
so badly
but no matter
what i did
i couldn't get them
always starving
for approval
i lie here
at night
i fantasize
about illusions
of being accepted
having friends
having those
social circles again
if only i become
thin enough
when i'll have
something to
offer again
always trying
to sell myself
but i'm almost 44
everyone has
their own lives
our society
has fractured off
everyone has
their own sects
tribes
cliques
maybe i feel the loneliness
only because
i don't feel
God enough
what if
my yearning focus
was not
on human approval
but God's
what if i stopped
trying to sell myself
make people
buy into me
i'm tired
i know
what i need to do
for myself
i need to
do it
loneliness
never killed me
so maybe
i arrive at my
destination
and there's more
human approval
so what
it's still God's approval
above all
that matters
i'll only really
understand that
when i can say
so what about
the family
who abandoned
and ridiculed you
they are but a
faint and innocuous
memory
when i can say
i'm too busy with God
to worry about
what others are doing
whose plans don't
include me
when nothing
could persuade me
to give up
my life with God
not even parties
nights on the town
people constantly
around me
wanting my time
not if it
wasn't right
with God
so that must mean
that i'm right where
God wants me to be
because i'm here
with my son
reading the Bible
every night
one day we'll finish
and we won't know
just a collection
of random quotes
we'll see the
entire beautiful painting
i still fight against
these sinful thoughts
of anger
depression
jealousy
and more
but i will not give up
i'm bringing
my actions in line
so that my life
can be a testimony
to the Lord
who has the power
to reunite Carl and i
one day with Jim
i will keep fighting
for that
and keep my gaze
not on human approval
but God's

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