Skip to main content

Jimmy - 2/1/20


I dreamed of my Jimmy last night.  It was one of those dreams where it was all a mistake.  He hadn't really died.  He was at some nursing home and they were trying to find him for me.  Then in another part of the dream he was running around randomly spraying a hose.  Being that goofy Jimmy that he was.  I was hiding from him, terrified.  Then he popped up in front of me and sprayed some in my face, and I just laughed.  I hugged him hard.  Then in another part of the dream I was lying with him on the floor of the den in my grandparents' house, where sometimes I would just fall asleep in contentment.  I was leaning against my Jimmy.  I could feel myself leaning against him.  Then I woke up and saw I was leaning against the big pillow instead.

Wow I love you Jimmy.  Always will.  Never was anyone like you before, nor will there ever be again.  This was not my first "it was all a mistake" dream.  I guess I'm still shocked that you're not here.  I am so sorry for the pain you were in Jim.  You were screaming out for your mother.  I so desperately wanted to get you back to her.  But she was up in Indiana.  And the doctors said you couldn't travel anymore.

I don't know why it had to be this way.  The doctor you had in Portland said that his dad lived to be 90 with Parkinson's.  I thought we had more time.  Much more time.

Now I am still so lost without you.  I have been struggling to find my writing voice again.  The drive that I had to pump out legal writing and books in a snap.  You were my rock.  I could lean on you about ANYTHING.  You knew all my deep dark secrets, all my faults.  I didn't keep anything from you.  You were my best friend.

I know you are in Heaven though Jimmy.  Free from all the pain, free from everything YOU DID NOT DESERVE!  I know you are with your mom, me, and your son everyday.  When your mom leaves this earth she will join you, your dad, and your other relatives.  You will be able to embrace your mom.  I know how much she loves you.  If ever there was anyone on earth I want to be like, it's your mom.  Such a kind Christian woman full of unconditional love, who at the same time is so human, down to earth and relatable.  

I love you always Jimmy and I'm grateful for the time we had together.  But I'm struggling right now Jimmy.  Please help show me the way.

My love for eternity,

Becky
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 22 - Beck Diet Solution, Say “Oh Well” To Disappointment

Inigo Montoya: Who are you? Man in Black: No one of consequence. Inigo Montoya: I must know... Man in Black: Get used  to disappointment. Inigo Montoya: 'kay. The Princess Bride (20th Century Fox 1987) Just as Inigo shrugs off the disappointment of the Man in Black’s declining to reveal his identity and gets right back into the duel, so too must we shrug off those discouragements that go hand-in-hand with losing weight and keep truckin’ down the weight loss trail.   It’ll go easier for us if we do.  What if we just lay around bellyaching about how horrible it is that we can’t have that donut, can’t eat/drink exactly what everybody else does at parties, can’t just open the fridge and eat whenever we felt like it?  How much would we really accomplish that way?  Even if we do stick to our plans for a little while under that mindset, we’d be fighting an exhausting battle with ourselves every day and eventually give in.  Even the patience and resolve of saints would
Post a Comment
Read more

Jimmy

he was just a simple Hoosier growing up amid the cornfields where everything made sense he loved the family cats and dogs in one picture he's looking down at his sweet dog while the others, unsmiling face the camera he would play ball all day sometimes Uncle Boob gave him his first fishing pole he'd sometimes leave a line floating while he went to church later he would discover golf read the whole Bible he didn't miss the snow when they came to Florida his life was simple a room full of books job on the golf course people lived and died there for the love of their game two weeks vacation every year when he'd do another golf and fish adventure then I came along never the woman he deserved watched his mom wished I could be like her beauty and kindness personified she did her duty to God her mind was to leave us before her body as it would be with her son never perfect but so full of love never to die in the middle of h
Post a Comment
Read more

Hayride at Jersey Farm

The beginning of the first fall we have seen in four years. This time of year also makes me think of Joni Mitchell's song, "Urge for Going": I awoke today and found the frost perched on the town It hovered in a frozen sky, then it gobbled summer down When the sun turns traitor cold And all trees are shivering in a naked row I get the urge for going but I never seem to go I get the urge for going When the meadow grass is turning brown Summertime is falling down and winter is closing in I had me a man in summertime He had summer-colored skin And not another girl in town My darling's heart could win But when the leaves fell on the ground And bully winds came around pushed them face down in the snow He got the urge for going and I had to let him go He got the urge for going When the meadow grass was turning brown And summertime was falling down and winter was closing in Now the warriors of winter they gave a cold triumphant shout And all that s
Post a Comment
Read more