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Pariah

so burnt out
looking to socialize
i take a few sips
of the libation
my senses heighten
i just listen
to the sounds
of the room
frenetic chatter
all around me
right next to me
within inches of me
the drink feels
like my only friend
that's how i know
i'm going into
a dark tunnel
triggering
all the worst in me
people jabbering on
like robots
not talking
to let people in
but to keep people
out
like me
how different this is
from the days
i wandered
through Demarest Hall
at Rutgers
vibrations all around
were pulling me in
urging me
to make merry with them
with no alcohol in sight
just love proliferating....
everyone was welcome
everyone was celebrated
and then there was tonight
the chattering all around me
me just sitting there
invisible
i tried to reach out
tried to connect
tried to feel
like it felt
when there was
no barrier
just acceptance
no judgment
but they turned away
back to the safety
of their own
whatever that means
so i put a stop to it
i put my drink on the bar
i walked to the door
out into the cold night
and would come home
still in the midst of a stupor
i would fashion
as an expression
for my pain
a voice for
my loneliness
i still remember
those days
with a
circle of friends
around me
warm
supported
loved
wish i had known then
how precious and fleeting
those days would be

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