Skip to main content

Jimmy - 2/1/20


I dreamed of my Jimmy last night.  It was one of those dreams where it was all a mistake.  He hadn't really died.  He was at some nursing home and they were trying to find him for me.  Then in another part of the dream he was running around randomly spraying a hose.  Being that goofy Jimmy that he was.  I was hiding from him, terrified.  Then he popped up in front of me and sprayed some in my face, and I just laughed.  I hugged him hard.  Then in another part of the dream I was lying with him on the floor of the den in my grandparents' house, where sometimes I would just fall asleep in contentment.  I was leaning against my Jimmy.  I could feel myself leaning against him.  Then I woke up and saw I was leaning against the big pillow instead.

Wow I love you Jimmy.  Always will.  Never was anyone like you before, nor will there ever be again.  This was not my first "it was all a mistake" dream.  I guess I'm still shocked that you're not here.  I am so sorry for the pain you were in Jim.  You were screaming out for your mother.  I so desperately wanted to get you back to her.  But she was up in Indiana.  And the doctors said you couldn't travel anymore.

I don't know why it had to be this way.  The doctor you had in Portland said that his dad lived to be 90 with Parkinson's.  I thought we had more time.  Much more time.

Now I am still so lost without you.  I have been struggling to find my writing voice again.  The drive that I had to pump out legal writing and books in a snap.  You were my rock.  I could lean on you about ANYTHING.  You knew all my deep dark secrets, all my faults.  I didn't keep anything from you.  You were my best friend.

I know you are in Heaven though Jimmy.  Free from all the pain, free from everything YOU DID NOT DESERVE!  I know you are with your mom, me, and your son everyday.  When your mom leaves this earth she will join you, your dad, and your other relatives.  You will be able to embrace your mom.  I know how much she loves you.  If ever there was anyone on earth I want to be like, it's your mom.  Such a kind Christian woman full of unconditional love, who at the same time is so human, down to earth and relatable.  

I love you always Jimmy and I'm grateful for the time we had together.  But I'm struggling right now Jimmy.  Please help show me the way.

My love for eternity,

Becky
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pariah

so burnt out looking to socialize i take a few sips of the libation my senses heighten i just listen to the sounds of the room frenetic chatter all around me right next to me within inches of me the drink feels like my only friend that's how i know i'm going into a dark tunnel triggering all the worst in me people jabbering on like robots not talking to let people in but to keep people out like me how different this is from the days i wandered through Demarest Hall at Rutgers vibrations all around were pulling me in urging me to make merry with them with no alcohol in sight just love proliferating.... everyone was welcome everyone was celebrated and then there was tonight the chattering all around me me just sitting there invisible i tried to reach out tried to connect tried to feel like it felt when there was no barrier just acceptance no judgment but they turned away back to the safety of their own whatever that means so i put a stop to it i put my drink on the bar i walked...
Post a Comment
Read more

"Do not pity the dead..."

My son and I had read the first three Harry Potter books together a few years ago.  I had also seen the first two movies in theaters.  2001 was a watershed year for me, containing many significant events in my life.  My then-fiancé Jim and I went to see the first Harry Potter together, five years before our son would be born.  Jim was also excited about the soon-to-be released Lord of the Rings movie - he had read the books 12 times.  He said the books were assigned for school, which he wasn't too happy about at first, but then he really got into them. After seeing the first two movies though, I shied away from the Harry Potter series.  I could tell from the parade of headlines, previews, and news snippets I caught here and there that the story was getting more complex, grim and violent, which didn't appeal to me.  In 2011 however, just before the release of the final movie, we had a membership to Universal Studio/Islands of Adventure and frequente...
Post a Comment
Read more