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Jimmy - 2/1/20


I dreamed of my Jimmy last night.  It was one of those dreams where it was all a mistake.  He hadn't really died.  He was at some nursing home and they were trying to find him for me.  Then in another part of the dream he was running around randomly spraying a hose.  Being that goofy Jimmy that he was.  I was hiding from him, terrified.  Then he popped up in front of me and sprayed some in my face, and I just laughed.  I hugged him hard.  Then in another part of the dream I was lying with him on the floor of the den in my grandparents' house, where sometimes I would just fall asleep in contentment.  I was leaning against my Jimmy.  I could feel myself leaning against him.  Then I woke up and saw I was leaning against the big pillow instead.

Wow I love you Jimmy.  Always will.  Never was anyone like you before, nor will there ever be again.  This was not my first "it was all a mistake" dream.  I guess I'm still shocked that you're not here.  I am so sorry for the pain you were in Jim.  You were screaming out for your mother.  I so desperately wanted to get you back to her.  But she was up in Indiana.  And the doctors said you couldn't travel anymore.

I don't know why it had to be this way.  The doctor you had in Portland said that his dad lived to be 90 with Parkinson's.  I thought we had more time.  Much more time.

Now I am still so lost without you.  I have been struggling to find my writing voice again.  The drive that I had to pump out legal writing and books in a snap.  You were my rock.  I could lean on you about ANYTHING.  You knew all my deep dark secrets, all my faults.  I didn't keep anything from you.  You were my best friend.

I know you are in Heaven though Jimmy.  Free from all the pain, free from everything YOU DID NOT DESERVE!  I know you are with your mom, me, and your son everyday.  When your mom leaves this earth she will join you, your dad, and your other relatives.  You will be able to embrace your mom.  I know how much she loves you.  If ever there was anyone on earth I want to be like, it's your mom.  Such a kind Christian woman full of unconditional love, who at the same time is so human, down to earth and relatable.  

I love you always Jimmy and I'm grateful for the time we had together.  But I'm struggling right now Jimmy.  Please help show me the way.

My love for eternity,

Becky
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