Skip to main content

Sunday, August 13, 2017

By João Pimentel Ferreira via Wikimedia Commons
Well I was able to get back to my writing project which I started almost two years ago.  I have to be vague about the details right now - I feel like the finished product could be so good that I don't want to spoil the surprise.  I have my son Carl to thank for much of the concept.

It's something that I need to finish.  For me.  Many things that would never be said otherwise.  Many conversations that need to be had.  Even if only in bookland.  I know these things will most likely never be said in real life.  All I need is for them to have been said on paper, either real or virtual..I have been mourning certain things.  And I know that to complete my mourning process, this book needs to be written.  It's been several years in the works already.  It's not something I can rush.  But I do need to finish and move on with my life.

I've been sick and bedridden all weekend long.  I was too weak even to type.  But then I thought to try using the microphone.  Eventually I was able to transcribe all of my written content I've captured in a little notebook over several months.

I had a dream about my grandmother a few nights ago.  After 12 years I finally heard her voice again.  She was talking to me over the phone.  She would have loved Carl so much...

I turn 42 next month - and no I don't mind saying that now.  I think one of the biggest lessons I've learned in the past year is to look at the real reasons I do things.  I see how sometimes I do the right things but for the wrong reasons.  Sometimes I need to stop and think - "Am I doing this because I truly believe this is right?  Because this is the best thing for me?"


Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Jimmy - 2/1/20

I dreamed of my Jimmy last night.  It was one of those dreams where it was all a mistake.  He hadn't really died.  He was at some nursing home and they were trying to find him for me.  Then in another part of the dream he was running around randomly spraying a hose.  Being that goofy Jimmy that he was.  I was hiding from him, terrified.  Then he popped up in front of me and sprayed some in my face, and I just laughed.  I hugged him hard.  Then in another part of the dream I was lying with him on the floor of the den in my grandparents' house, where sometimes I would just fall asleep in contentment.  I was leaning against my Jimmy.  I could feel myself leaning against him.  Then I woke up and saw I was leaning against the big pillow instead. Wow I love you Jimmy.  Always will.  Never was anyone like you before, nor will there ever be again.  This was not my first "it was all a mistake" dream.  I gu...
Post a Comment
Read more

Pariah

so burnt out looking to socialize i take a few sips of the libation my senses heighten i just listen to the sounds of the room frenetic chatter all around me right next to me within inches of me the drink feels like my only friend that's how i know i'm going into a dark tunnel triggering all the worst in me people jabbering on like robots not talking to let people in but to keep people out like me how different this is from the days i wandered through Demarest Hall at Rutgers vibrations all around were pulling me in urging me to make merry with them with no alcohol in sight just love proliferating.... everyone was welcome everyone was celebrated and then there was tonight the chattering all around me me just sitting there invisible i tried to reach out tried to connect tried to feel like it felt when there was no barrier just acceptance no judgment but they turned away back to the safety of their own whatever that means so i put a stop to it i put my drink on the bar i walked...
Post a Comment
Read more

Jane

There were so many days where Jane was at the top of the world.   The day she hit the solo perfectly in the band competition junior year, down in Myrtle Beach.  One of the cool girls came up to Jane afterwards and said "Way to have grace under pressure!" The day she found out she made the varsity team on cross-country, after lagging behind the pack for so long... Many days at the summer camp, where she was enveloped in hugs, where she heard the sound of her bassoon blending perfectly with the woodwind quintet, when she sat in the CIT lounge with Mike, holding his hand and feeling new tingles all through her body... The night when she snuck the car to drive over fifty miles to see one of Mike's school concerts, then before he left his lips touched hers for the first time, setting her afire... Many days and nights where she roamed the college campus with friends, never having known a full social life before - constant knocks on door, phone ringing, girl...
Post a Comment
Read more